5

“Congress has voted against giving itself a pay raise. They thought giving themselves a pay raise now would be unpopular. I think giving them any pay at all right now is unpopular.” – Jay Leno

4

“Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias ‘Barack Obama’ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of handing it out to them.” – Jimmy Fallon

3

“Timothy Geithner has presented a new $100 bill. He wanted to show it to us before we send them all to China.” – David Letterman

2

“Have you guys been following the whole oil disaster? Yesterday, President Obama said: ‘Let me be clear. BP is responsible for this leak. BP will be paying the bill.’ And BP was like: ‘Ah, bailout? Right?’” – Jimmy Fallon

1

The Onion: Stuffed-Up Congress Allocates $250 Million To Destroy Pollen