5

“According to a new CBS poll, 33 percent of Americans say they won’t have enough money to cover their holiday spending. I believe these people are called Congress.” – Jay Leno

4

“This was the 427th of 2,000 debates to be held between now and when President Obama is re-elected. There are so many debates. For a group of people who don’t want the government interfering in our lives a lot, they interfere in our lives a lot.” – Jimmy Kimmel

3

The Onion: Remains Of Ancient Race Of Job Creators Found In Rust Belt

2

“If there is a [government] shutdown, 800,000 nonessential federal employees will be suspended. You know, maybe that’s our budget problem right there. We have 800,000 nonessential federal employees.” – Jay Leno

1

“Having a functioning government is on my bucket list.” – Andy Borowitz