5

“Hundreds of people in Washington, D.C. reported seeing a UFO today. Aliens, if you’re searching for intelligent life, you’ve got the wrong town.” - Craig Ferguson

4

“George W. Bush’s memoir is out today. And the guy is apparently quite candid, quite honest in the memoir. It’s a big, big book. The problem is because of his economic policies nobody can afford to buy the book.” – David Letterman

3

The Onion: Nation Waist-Deep In Soybeans After $30 Trillion Farm Subsidy Bill Accidentally Passed

2

“Well, it looks like John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. He is the son of a bartender, one of 12 children. He grew up in a two room home with just one bathroom, worked his way through school, became the first person in his family to graduate from college. And, sadly, fell in with the wrong crowd and wound up in Congress.” - Jay Leno

1

Cartoon: We’re watching…