“Rupert Murdoch got some bad news today. British lawmakers said Murdoch is unfit to run a company. Is that news? He’s 160 years old. Of course he’s unfit to run a company. But perfect to run a Hollywood studio, or Congress.” –Craig Ferguson

“It was on this day in 1867 that the United States bought Alaska from the Russians. And about six months from now, we’ll probably be selling it to China.” – Craig Ferguson

“It was so hot in Washington that Congress had to install a fan on the debt ceiling.” – Craig Ferguson

“The U.S. has hit the debt ceiling. I think we should do what we always do when faced with a nightmarish problem: replace it with Ashton Kutcher.” – Craig Ferguson

“Forty percent of Americans say they would rather cut their own hair than do their taxes. And then there are people that would rather do neither. I’m talking to you, Willie Nelson.” – Craig Ferguson

“I’m glad we have a day for the presidents, but shouldn’t we have a day for Congress when the Senate and the House can kick back and not worry about getting anything done? Oh, wait.” – Craig Ferguson

“Joe Biden announced plans for a $53 billion train system. To offset the cost, they’re raising the price of a train ticket to $53 billion.” – Craig Ferguson

“Hundreds of people in Washington, D.C. reported seeing a UFO today. Aliens, if you’re searching for intelligent life, you’ve got the wrong town.” – Craig Ferguson

“How bad is our economy? Well I’ll give you my two cents…which used to be a dollar.” – Stephen Colbert