“New predictions out today claim 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop that is for the government to step in. Oh yeah, when it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, what better way than the U.S. government?” –Jay Leno

“According to a new CBS poll, 33 percent of Americans say they won’t have enough money to cover their holiday spending. I believe these people are called Congress.” – Friday Funnies: 5 jokes about the economyLeno

“Earlier tonight, a bunch of rich kids came to my door, took all my candy and the other 99 percent of the kids in the neighborhood are now occupying my lawn.” – Jay Leno

“It was on this day in 1867 that the United States bought Alaska from the Russians. And about six months from now, we’ll probably be selling it to China.” – Craig Ferguson

“Two Americans won the Nobel Prize today, for economics. How crappy is the economy in the rest of the world if America is winning the Nobel Prize for economics?” – Jay Leno

“Congress’ approval rating has dropped to 12 percent. The other 88 percent are withholding judgment until Congress actually does something.” – Jay Leno

“To give an idea of how bad the economy is, the NFL had to borrow the quarter for the coin toss from China. And they want it back.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s the 76th anniversary of Social Security. I mention it because there’s no guarantee that there will be a 77th.” – Jay Leno

“We’ve always been told our kids and grandkids are going to have to pay for our reckless spending. Now WE have to pay?!” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Senate canceled their vacation to work on the budget. Either they really can’t agree or they’re looking for an excuse to not go on vacation with their families.” – Jimmy Kimmel